Footloose

"It should not be denied that being footloose has always exhilarated us. It is associated in our minds with escape from history and oppression and law and irksome obligations. Absolute freedom. And the road has always led west."
- Wallace Stegner

Tonight placed firmly in my mind, what's occupied it lately. A new start. I'm tired of running into people who have been destructive in my life while trying to do a bit of good in public (i.e. working with GetEqual, PP, or Freedom to Marry).

As soon as the deadline passes next July for the FTM petition to get marriage equality on the ballot; I'm heading out. Right now, it's a tossup between Denver and Reno.

Frankly, I'm tired of being a steady person who feels panic when surrounded by people who have been incredibly harmful to my development as an individual. I hate feeling weak like that, when so many things (especially working in EMS) have failed to bug me in the slightest. My time, effort, and preparations outside of activism are finally set westward in something akin to pressure building instead of a spontaneous reaction.

One year to lend a hand with all the time that I have, and then it's time to start again.

-Autumn

April 28th, 2012 sonnet

A cold, activist April morning dawn,
fire in our heart, we pursue the road,
putting a voice to trials undergone,
signs, banners, and bullhorns securely stowed,
for every person, a story and truth,
waiting to be spoken, and shared aloud,
some beautiful with age, some bloom of youth,
women, allies, and queers, justice avowed.
words without shame, all to upcoming choice,
making a place, equal beyond gender,
where freedom prevails, and justice rejoice,
diversity lives, in unbound splendor,
     A cold morning brings, the truest of true,
     with courage, forward, our fight is not through.
 

Malice in Wonderland

"I can't explain myself, I'm afraid, Sir, because I'm not myself you see."

How much do you associate things with memories? How about to dreams, aspirations, and hopes?

This past week has been filled with quiet moments of loss; and the hope that follows. In a very strange way, they can and do tie into my identity as a person.

The most major loss of this week was my job, today. Working at a school for the past seven months has quite possibly been one of the strongest anchors to pull me through a tough time. Beyond the daily laughter that the children brought me; it was the first workplace where I was able to live without focusing on what I needed to hide. It was a workplace where I felt respected by my co-workers (if not always the kids...), and genuinely glad to come to work on a daily basis.

Never once did I fear a repeat of my full-time days on the ambulance crew, where finding my locker filled with garbage and a sign bearing the words, "HIV Decontamination Area", was more than a single occurance. After the first few months of work at the school, I even began to explore the possibilites of furthering my education to work specifically in education.

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In the recent weeks as well, the "inter-queer politics" have thickened in Ohio, in ways (from all sides) that I doubt are constructive to our common goals. With my activism 'birthday' with GetEqual coming up this month, it is hard to not look back to a year ago. While I was not clear on what I hoped to become of going with my then-partner and the newly met Tom Morgan, I know some of those hopes now.

My hopes now; are to play a part in bringing about the change that will see my sister with the freedom to marry who she loves, my friends to live without fear of workplace or housing retribution, and my family to see that love can transcend gender.

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The changes that a year can bring are quite incredible. On April 27th, I'll mark my anniversary with GetEqual; a grassroots organization that I'd like to think that I can call home. A year ago, I would have neither identified as a 'queer' activist, nor someone that truly enjoyed working with children. I was in a (relatively) stable relationship with a partner of two years; and now I find myself enjoying my time spent alone.

My point (and I assure you, that there is one here!), is that my feelings of gender identity seem to parallel my life as a whole; they are both in places of great change. I look forward to that change; and appreciate the past for what it is.

<3 Autumn

Step by Step

The past weeks have been a very liberating time; further hair removal treatments, new medications, and a further acceptance of the fact that I've got no pressure anymore.

For the moment, that means that I can continue to push myself physically, but without feelings of guilt when I decide to stop that train. It certainly won't be now; but I don't know when it will be. It might end with living 'full time', or it might be after more hair removal and t-blockers. I kind of like androgynous!

It's late, and I'd like to write more coherent thoughts later today. But goodness, it feels good to even put it into writing.

A Bit Discouraged.

The past few months have been a bit of a wild ride; leaving me discouraged at the moment.

November and December were mostly spent 'enjoying' being freshly single, by hitting the bars a bit too hard. January rolled around and I got tired of spending my weekends barhopping; I'm just not an addictive personality type, and I got tired of it. February came, and is now on it's way out.

What is discouraging is the nature of 'give and take'. While I left living independently to come back home, I am now looking for a house of my own. While I am free of obligations, I've yet to be willing to unpack all of my boxes.

What is more discouraging is not knowing what comes next. I need to go back to school to set up a better future for myself, but I don't know what I want to study. I am pushing forward with changes for my body that are difficult, but I wonder how much will need to change so that I feel whole.

Although this is the hardest process I have ever gone through, I am trying to keep my mind occupied. I am pushing forward with my treatments, trying to occupy my free time (with relaxing things that don't require someone else there; like feeding the ducks at Creekside or paying for a 6 month ice-skating pass, so I can skate after work.) and looking for a new home.

Most days, things feel within my scope to handle. Others, I find myself trying hard to not repeat myself from several years ago; by hitting the road and living out of my van again. While that was an incredibly fun experience for that year, it's time I cannot afford to waste anymore.

Motivation, motivation, motivation!
(er....getting there at least.)

-Autumn <3

Valkyrie

The past few weeks have been busy; and have provided much-needed time to think.

A few weeks ago, I had my third laser treatment for my face. The whole process is marginally successful; the volume of facial hair that I have has gone down, but not as much as I need it to. Shaving has gotten easier, but unfortunately I will have to begin looking into more drastic measures for hair removal. Having a ton of needles stuck into my face, hair by hair? Yikes.

The past few weeks also included a trip to Washington D.C. to protest the National Prayer Breakfast with GetEqual and others. The trip was amazing, our host was better, and it was a very worthwhile undertaking. I also travelled with a fellowed GetEqual OHer to Atlanta, to protest Exodus International, and their harmful "ex-gay" sessions. Facebook covers those well enough though :)

The past few weeks have also been filled with the questions about this process that I am still stuck on. Mainly, what do I need to do to feel content with my body? The hair treatments have helped me feel more comfortable on a daily basis, not worrying about doing effeminate things has helped, and generally being an outspoken young adult has done wonders.

I will continue to change as I have, because I *do* feel gradually more contented. That may mean a full physical transition, it may mean changing what I'd like...and finding a label like gender queer to fit. For likely the first time in my life; I am free of feeling the burden of expectations for what I need to be. Well, perhaps not entirely free, but free enough to forge my own way forward.

I really need to add some more pictures soon. Hopefully this weekend!
-Autumn <3

Another Night of Reflections

Tonight, I think I found a small moment of clarity. I fully acknowledge that I am still a kid by most measures, and part of my transition is doing some much-needed growing into what 'life' means. I will absolutely not claim to understand how the world turns, but tonight brought me the thought that part of becoming an adult myself is about pause.

I'll probably be a bit silly sometimes, until the day that I die. A bit overemotional, and prone to being melodramatic at times. I think that a large part of growing up for me, is having more and more moments, when I can pause and wonder 'What the hell am I doing?'

Over the past few days, there have been a few of those moments of pause, and I am grateful to find the opportunities to begin acting like an adult in moments where my first inclination may be to act a bit childish. One step at a time lovelies!

I'm really looking forward to our Valentine's Day protest, getting dolled up, and having some cute-enough-to-die-for pictures to share!

-Autumn <3